6:57 PM Ready for the show to start, sitting under a blanket, eating straight out of a tub of Fried Ice Cream!

6:59 I’m not going to unmute the TV until these young Latino ruffians stop crying on my screen. Why does there need to be crying on Food Network… Oh, maybe this is the final episode of CHEF JEFF. I never learned what this show is, but I’m pretty sure it’s like Maury Povich for Food Network.

7:00 “We’re gonna be puttin’ a fried twist on evvv’rything, y’all!” Oh alright we have help from Kermit the Frog and William “The Refrigerator” Perry. These were the most festive guests available? Whatever. Now let’s paaaaaartay!

7:01 Where did they find 150 audience members who can shriek as high as Paula?

7:02 Paula introduces one of her sons. For two years I convinced my mom that Paula’s sons are gay.

7:03 Oh holy shit this woman is making DEEP FRIED STUFFIN’ ON A STICK. She reminds us, “Everything we’re doing today, y’all, is fried.” It’s some weird sausage stuffing—I am a fatty but this sounds like too much. OH NO saltines in the stuffing? Sorry, Paula, only yankees do that.

7:05 “Oh son, you can go ahead and put your sausage over here. Put your sausage right here, son.”

7:07 Wm. the Refrigerator Perry looks like a black Blues Traveler!

7:12 “Take those big ol’ strong hands with your big ol’ strong self and stuff that big ol’ turkey in our lil’ oven.” I shit you not. Paula is uncontrollably horny, it’s disturbing. I bet that’s not even a put-on for TV.

7:14 The Fridge can barely talk, he just mumbles through his 3 remaining teeth. Paula will be like this soon. I wonder what her doctor tells her. Does she see the doctor regularly?

7:17 Son looks sort of like Jason Bateman, but he says “pee-can”… The stuffing sticks turn out like corndogs. For what event would you make such a thing? Stuffing is one of my favorite foods, but I can’t see it.

7:22 They’ve poured some lumpy, fruity bourbon glaze over their turkey. Glaze is disgusting. Food should be good enough that you don’t need to coat it in shit.

7:26 The Fridge sells BBQ sauce. This is my favorite condiment, I like it on burgers and as a pizza base and anything else. One day I will try cooking my own.

7:29 COMMERCIAL BREAK A woman is wrestling with a 90-lb raw turkey—it’s pressed up against her body, and all I can think is that she will never, never, never get all the salmonella out of that thick wool sweater.

7:34 Kermit the fucking Frog is ruining my fried Thanksgiving. This is stupid. I never understood this shit about having puppets pretend to be adult entertainment.

7:36 For some reason this deranged woman wants to fry a cake. She just told the frog puppet, “You are so funny.” Sarcastic Paula <3

7:44 Oh no she has actually dropped this cake into a deep pot of grease. She is deep frying an 8” round cake. This will get America attacked again.

7:56 Recap: Fried stuffing on a stick, fried fruit bourbon turkey glaze, fried pumpkin cake, fried cranberry sauce blobs. This show got really boring but I’m pretty sure it made for the greatest blog entry in history. Let me hear it, y’all!!!