Judd Apatow says in some interview that “The Larry Sanders Show” is about people going to desperate lengths to be loved. Like seeing the arrow in the FedEx logo, once you watch the show that way, you can never watch it another way. Poor Larry, poor Artie, poor Hank.

I am working in a coffee shop on the final paper of my grad program. In front of me is a table of teenage girls ranging from maybe 15 to 18, two of them with their moms, and they are all signing up with a beauty pageant consultant.

One girl isn’t wearing makeup. I think she’s the youngest, she’s wearing a tie dye t-shirt and camp shorts in place of the others’ V-cut cheerleader jerseys, and she’s clearly the most bookish of the bunch because she pointed out a typo in their contract. She’s also the most ambitious—like she’s gonna win this fucking shit or else. I heard her assure the consultant that she bought “different makeup that softens my features, because: ugh.” Also, she says gravely, “I have dreams that I forgot to do my crunches before bed.”

The other girls wear self-tanner and thick makeup; I would have sworn that one of them is 25, but she’s talking about last weekend’s senior prom.

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So, one, in that they want to appear like something other than they are, I pronounce this scene a bummer.

Two, what is at stake for them? They are seeking new ways and venues in which to perform for others’ affirmation. “The good news is that we’re renting a dance studio in a shopping center down the street where we can practice your talents!” 

They look awfully like the “Larry Sanders” characters, putting their might into getting people to tell them they’re lovable (or desirable or gifted or whatever form it takes). There is a vulnerability and a neediness floating above the table that feels heartbreaking.

Not heartbreaking because of some judgment about beauty pageants and not even because of these specific girls, but because the scene makes me think about ways that I have tried to get love; because their story is my story is your story, though you and I happen not to use self-tanner. The self-tanner throws it into starker relief.