“Dear Joanna Newsom,

“After two years, do you still think ‘I’m on a Boat’ is funny? What about that ‘Dick in a Box’ thing? Did you make a pun about that the first time you had sex?

“Have you ever stopped to wonder what ‘Only Skin’ would sound like if Andy Samberg sang on it instead?

“Half your new album sounds like you tried to overdose on sleeping pills then stayed up until 2 pm writing it.

“You wear stupid hats.

“Neil Michael Hagerty thought you were an idiot. He said he always expected you to start telling him his horoscope.

“Once I was in line at Whole Foods and saw Andy on a magazine. I pointed to it and said to the woman behind me, ‘Look, that magazine put someone with Down syndrome on the cover.’

“When it doesn’t work with Andy, I heard that Frank Caliendo is looking.

“Know what else, fashion plate? I got this Australian lesbian haircut because I knew you’d hate it.

“My jaw is clenched,

“Bill”